Mourning The Loss - Being the Queen

I love my boys.

The dirty, messy, no frills, not much drama, booger eating, mud slinging, sports playing boys.  I love all of that.  The title of my blog says it all, it allows me to be the one and only Queen of this house but there are days, days like today, that that statement makes me sad. 

I find myself getting sad that the house is always dirty with mud, pee, grass, or leaves that the boys have brought in, spilled, or couldn't aim.  Seriously how do they get pee all over the toilet!!! 

When it comes to my shop, I can't help but makes girlie things and it doesn't help since I have one niece and she probably doesn't want all of my hand made stuff.  Even if she did, it's hard not being able to see her in it right away, dress her all of the time, or just see the excitement on her face and it's also not the same since she isn't mine but beyond that, I want that connection between my husband and his daughter. 

I will never be the mother of the bride and plan a wedding with my daughter.  I will never be able to hold her hand while she gives birth or go shopping together and listen to her talk about guys.  I will never hold her while she cries over her first heart break.  I will never fight with her over her clothes or teach her to be proud of who she is and never let someone else define her.  I will never have her as my best friend later in life when she calls and thanks me for being the best mom I could because she now has children of her own and understands.

When it comes to sons, they will eventually leave.  They have to and I get that.  They will eventually replace me with a wife of their own and I will no longer be the top woman in their lives.  I'm ok with this, I certainly don't want my mother in law put ahead of me and I know that one day I will have daughter in laws that I maybe close to but it's not the same.  They will have their own mother's.  

So, on days like this, I feel sad and I mourn the loss of a child that I never had and won't have.  I try not to indulge this feeling because I have no regrets and I love all of my boys.  I am beyond blessed to have 4 healthy and crazy kids.  I not only feel sad but then that sadness turns into mommy guilt...  yes, you know who she is... 

However for a short time I let myself mourn her, that sweet little girl that was not meant to be.  Then I laugh at the boys as they roll down the hill laughing while I secretly dread trying to get out the grass stains. 

Planning Long Trips With 4 Kids

If you don't know this already, my husband is originally from Panama.  His grandfather, Aunt, and lots of cousins live there still so we try and get down there once every 2 years.  The first time we went Conner and Noah were 2 and 3.  The second time we added Evan who was a few months away from being 2.  This time we will be traveling as a family of 6!  What were we thinking?!?!

But seriously, it wasn't that hard since I planned way in advance for a multitude of things to keep the kids from going crazy.  This isn't a vacation where we go to a big city and do lots of things.  We fly into Panama City, spend the night in a hotel and then the following day drive 4 hours to Las Tablas which is a small town in the middle of no where.  Dariens grandfather has updated his house but there is little electricity, no AC (it's crazy humid and always around 88) and surrounded by cattle fields.  I don't mean it to sound boring because it's far from that but for kids it can be if we don't plan things.

We are going in June and will be gone for 10 days, I've already been planning and finding flights, rental cars( which is insane in itself), what to pack, etc.  This isn't my first rodeo but not only are we going to Panama but Conner asked to go camping for his birthday, and my wonderful parents scheduled a beach trip for July! 

Is it summer yet?

Everytime I feel overwhelmed, I sit down and work on planning everything. 

Next up, passports renewal for Conner and Noah plus a new passport for Ryan!

I won't be surprised if I end up with a ton of new gray hairs...

Perfect Imperfections

I always knew I wanted 4 kids.

My dream was always a boy first (bc I wanted an older brother to protect me) and then a girl and twin boys.  I had pictures of each child in my mind and dreamed about them frequently, the husband never had a face.

Creepy right?!?!  What child dreams of a man without a face??  It wasn't a scary no face man, just more like I couldn't picture him.  Anyways, my dream was typically about breakfast and getting ready for work/school.  Then one day I sat down and looked at my life and realized although I love it, it's far from dream like.

I am a mom, and have always wanted to be a mom but it doesn't quite fulfill me.  As soon as I think those words the evil mom rears it's ugly head and tells me what a horrible mom I am for even having that thought.  You know that voice, the one that tells you that you aren't good enough?

You know you do, we all have it whether you are a mom or not.  Some people can ignore that voice better than others but in some way it affects us all.  Sadly for parents we don't just have our own voice, we have the voices of numerous others who choose to put you down for some reason or other.  You choose to homeschool, you're crazy and hurting your children by sheltering them from other kids.  You choose to go to McDonald's, you are horrible for feeding your child junk.  You let your 9 year old walk 2 blocks to the local park, you risk jail time for neglect.  The list goes on and on and there are people on both sides shouting.

For goodness sake people, give it a rest!!

As I sit here typing this my 3 year old is watching cartoons.  I look around at all of the toys my almost one year old has literally thrown all over the living room but is now napping.  There is laundry to be done, bathrooms to clean because there are 4 boys peeing all over the place.  Seriously can't you aim those thing directly into the toilet and not around it??  You get the point, there is a never ending list of things to get done and I never seem to be enough.

Yes, I never seem to be enough.  I'm not, I am not Wonder Woman, although I like to think I am at times.  I drink wine at night when the kids are all finally in bed.  I watch cartoons with Evan just to sit and snuggle with him so I have an excuse to not do my list of chores. 

I am not perfect, who is??  My kids are not perfect and never will be, so why do we try to reach some strange sense of normal or perfection? 

I'm perfectly ok with my imperfections about 95% of the time.

Hopefully I can learn to be ok with them more the older I get. 

So to sum this all up, MOMS!!  You are not perfect, none of us are, so stop letting the negative comments get to you.  The saying "It takes a village" is so true, so call your mom and remind her how much she means to you or call the person that showed you how to be happy in the imperfections.  Make a point to teach your kids that they aren't perfect and never will be.  We do the best we can and pray God helps us handle the rest.

Have a great day!

Side note, it's ok if you are in sweatpants all week.  I know I will be :)