Perfect Imperfections

I always knew I wanted 4 kids.

My dream was always a boy first (bc I wanted an older brother to protect me) and then a girl and twin boys.  I had pictures of each child in my mind and dreamed about them frequently, the husband never had a face.

Creepy right?!?!  What child dreams of a man without a face??  It wasn't a scary no face man, just more like I couldn't picture him.  Anyways, my dream was typically about breakfast and getting ready for work/school.  Then one day I sat down and looked at my life and realized although I love it, it's far from dream like.

I am a mom, and have always wanted to be a mom but it doesn't quite fulfill me.  As soon as I think those words the evil mom rears it's ugly head and tells me what a horrible mom I am for even having that thought.  You know that voice, the one that tells you that you aren't good enough?

You know you do, we all have it whether you are a mom or not.  Some people can ignore that voice better than others but in some way it affects us all.  Sadly for parents we don't just have our own voice, we have the voices of numerous others who choose to put you down for some reason or other.  You choose to homeschool, you're crazy and hurting your children by sheltering them from other kids.  You choose to go to McDonald's, you are horrible for feeding your child junk.  You let your 9 year old walk 2 blocks to the local park, you risk jail time for neglect.  The list goes on and on and there are people on both sides shouting.

For goodness sake people, give it a rest!!

As I sit here typing this my 3 year old is watching cartoons.  I look around at all of the toys my almost one year old has literally thrown all over the living room but is now napping.  There is laundry to be done, bathrooms to clean because there are 4 boys peeing all over the place.  Seriously can't you aim those thing directly into the toilet and not around it??  You get the point, there is a never ending list of things to get done and I never seem to be enough.

Yes, I never seem to be enough.  I'm not, I am not Wonder Woman, although I like to think I am at times.  I drink wine at night when the kids are all finally in bed.  I watch cartoons with Evan just to sit and snuggle with him so I have an excuse to not do my list of chores. 

I am not perfect, who is??  My kids are not perfect and never will be, so why do we try to reach some strange sense of normal or perfection? 

I'm perfectly ok with my imperfections about 95% of the time.

Hopefully I can learn to be ok with them more the older I get. 

So to sum this all up, MOMS!!  You are not perfect, none of us are, so stop letting the negative comments get to you.  The saying "It takes a village" is so true, so call your mom and remind her how much she means to you or call the person that showed you how to be happy in the imperfections.  Make a point to teach your kids that they aren't perfect and never will be.  We do the best we can and pray God helps us handle the rest.

Have a great day!

Side note, it's ok if you are in sweatpants all week.  I know I will be :)

Stitch Fix - Round 2

I love you Stitch Fix.

You really make shopping so much easier and I get so excited to see what surprises you have for me in that box on my front porch.  This box had so many positives and I totally almost kept all of it but regretfully I had to send some things back.  

This first picture is a lovely black and grey shirt which I added a tank under.  You can't tell from the photo but it's pretty see through without the tank.  I did keep this and I really loved the slight angle at the bottom.

Ugh this dress...  I tried so hard to find a way to keep it but it was just not super flattering.  The scarf helped but I didn't want to keep it and always have to add the scarf.  The lines at the top made my large chest look even bigger and there wasn't much definition in my waist which made me look much heavier than I am.

I ended up keeping this shirt although I couldn't get a picture of it that looked good.  Everytime I raised my arm it hung differently which isn't a very accurate representation of how it actually fit.  

Maybe I need a selfies stick...

This last picture is of 2 items, the blazer and the bracelet.  I kept the bracelet and returned the blazer.  I liked the fit of the blazer but I just couldn't see myself wearing it that often to make it worth the purchase.  However I loved the bracelet and I almost told my stylist not to send me anymore jewelry after the last time.  Thankfully I didn't because the silver and gold go with everything!

I am looking forward to my next fix and hopefully keeping all 5 items and getting the extra 20% off!  

Until next time!

Boots Are My Favorite

I love Winter and Fall for a lot of reasons but the main reason is that I can wear boots.  Any kind of boot!

My husband thinks I have too many and I of course think I could buy one pair a day for months and still find more that I love.  However, money doesn't grow on trees and my shoe closet doesn't look anything like Mariah Carey's. 

A girl can dream though...

Anyways, I decided today I would pull my outfit together around my riding boots.  When I get dressed my main thought is "will Ryan tug, chew, or slobber on this and will I look ok after that?"  So I threw on blue skinny jeans, a grey shirt that is actually a Gap maternity shirt (shhhh), and then I got stuck...

I always get torn with a scarf or necklace.  This outfit needs something big and colorful but Ryan will definitely chew on it and possibly break it and statement pieces like that aren't cheap or they are cheap (like the majority of mine :)) and will break easily.  Scarves are easy and add color that a necklace may not bring and I'll be honest, I have more scarves than shoes.  It's a problem, I know.

Hello my name is Amanda and I am a scarf addict.

So, this time I decided on both!  I don't normally do this but since my necklace is long and the scarf is on the thinner side, it works.  A larger scarf would look great too but then I would need to forgo the necklace. 

I am currently critiquing my picture, looking at the mess behind me when it suddenly dawns on me that this is life.  My life is messy with 4 boys and I rarely get time to just focus on myself so why cover it up.  Ryan cried most of the time I was getting ready and Evan needed help going to the potty.  You may wonder why I even bother looking nice, I wonder the same thing most days, but ultimately I feel more positive about the day when I look nice.  I may end up putting sweat pants on in a few hours and we may not make it to the store because stuff happens but I am the only girl in a house full of male testosterone and pee on the toilet.  I need to do something for myself.

What are you wearing today?

Confession Time - Is Yelling Affective?

Do you know who your biggest critic is?

You

Not Susie Pinterest or Karen the organizer or even Judy the judgemental, it's you.

You compare yourself to everyone you think is doing a better job than you.  You put yourself down for not living up to some standard that we set for ourselves that are 99% of the time unrealistic.  I say this not because I am judging you, putting you down, or just pointing out the obvious but because we are all the same.  You may struggle with different aspects of life than I am but we all struggle.  I have 4 boys, you may have 2 but both are hard!

My boys have recently began pushing me to the boiling point.  Some of its my own stresses from moving, dealing with a very needy 3 year old and 8 month old but it's also them getting older and pushing boundaries.  Plus, who am I kidding, they are boys!  Young men and we all know men don't typically listen that well...

Sorry men...  but it's true.

I find myself repeating the same things over and over again until I lose it and yell.  I then spend 10 to 15 minutes beating myself up about yelling and promise myself to do a better job the next time until the next time comes and it's the same vicous cycle all over again.

At the same time I am typing this Ryan is screaming for the 4th time tonight.

So does yelling work?  It seems like it, at least it gets their attention but are the down sides out weighing the positive of them finally paying attention?  I'm not sure if it does but nothing else seems to be working.

As a mom I am tired.

The little ones need me all of the time but the older ones are growing so fast I feel like they are growing too far away from me.  Is this a common theme with families of more than three kids?  I surely cannot be alone in this but I feel like it.

I worry the most about Noah, my sweet sweet Noah who seems to be struggling the most with his younger siblings.  I want more time with him to nurture his sweet side but I can't seem to find enough time in the day when Ryan doesn't need me or Evan who has an insanely strong personality is being his very crazy self.

I don't have the answers, who does?  We do what we can to the best of our ability and give the rest to God.  It's all I can do as a very imperfect person.

Ultimately I love my boys and am 200% determined to show them and tell them as often as I can.

Stitch Fix - This is why I don't like clothes shopping

I look forward to these emails now.

That email from Stitch Fix let's me know that the box is on its way and I track the box every single day until it's on my steps and then I have the joy of opening it! 

What is Stitch Fix?  Well, it's heaven in a box for all of you who like clothes but don't have the time to deal with shopping.  You can sign up to receive your fix as often as every week or once every other month.  Once you sign up you are asked a lot of questions about your style which helps your personal stylist choose the best options for you.  You can also link your Pinterest board which is awesome since pinning is my hobby. Is that a legitimate hobby?  Maybe not but who cares, it is now!  So, back to the point, you will receive 5 items in each box and you can select what you want to see more of.  I don't wear that much jewelry but the stuff that I do wear tends to be staple pieces so I requested jewelry to come not that often.  You can choose your price range and if you want accesories then you just wait for your first fix!  You will be charged $20 when it ships but that will be credited to whatever you purchase and if you send it all back then it will go towards your next box.  Anything you send back is sent back in a prepaid shipping bag that you just drop off at the post office!  It's that easy folks!

So let's move on to the good stuff!

This week my 5 things included 2 shirts, one pair of black pants, a sweater/jacket, and a necklace.  I also got a very sweet note from my sylist commenting on how awesome my Pinterest page was and she loved my style.  She probably saw this to everyone but of course it was a little boost to my fragile mommy self.

Ok so here is my honest opinion...

Side note - try and ignore the mess and the toddler bed in the corner...  

The first picture is the shirt, necklace and. black pants.  I like the fit of the shirt except the neck is large and shows my bra strap which I am not a fan of.  The necklace is ok but feels like cheap plastic and for $40, not worth it to me.  The pants fit great and are a legging feel without the thinness of a legging.  They stretch a bit but hold up so I'm hoping they don't stretch out like jeans. 

 

The second photo is the sweater/jacket which I just added to the top of the previous outfit which may have changed the fit.  It's very soft and comfortable with a funky design but it seems to hit me in a strange way and it could very much be because of my boob size but I'm on the fence either way.

Now onto the last piece...  I love love love this color but I knew when I saw the style sheet that it wouldn't be flattering.  This type of blouse just makes me look pregnant and I totally blame the boobs this time.

They are always getting in my way and sabotaging very lovely outfits.  

All in all I am definitely keeping the pants but will sleep on the dark grey shirt and jacket.  For sure going back is that beautiful emerald shirt and necklace.  

Check out my Pinterest page for more style options and if you are interested in a Fix of your own to you can sign up for your own Stitch Fix!  

Moving is hard! And lonely...

What a lame subject...

We moved almost 2 months ago and the kids are doing fantastic.  We love living here and the holidays were insane but now we can settle in a little bit more and it's a little more intense...

...

(... = me trailing off into eye rolls and a big sigh)

.........

Ok so the boys have made friends, they love the new house, both seem to be adjusting to school, we love trying new things and getting outdoors.  There is so much to do and see plus everywhere you go you see mountains!  It's heaven!

And here it comes...

The but.

But it's lonely.  I miss my family and friends.  I miss my spouse who works way more now than he use to which I knew going into this that a promotion meant more time at work.

The absence of the holidays means reality of being here alone sets in.

I am not a shy person but I'm picky about my friends.  Friends are not something I rush into and I am not use to being mom 24/7 and nothing else.

That sounds harsh.

I love my kids but they are not my identity. 
I'm sure this phase will get easier but right now it's really hard and feeling distant from the hubs makes it worse.

If you have made it this far into my depressing post, thank you. :)

On a positive note!  Baby weight is falling off with all of these stairs!  There are stairs everywhere and carrying my 8 month old 22 lb chunk is a total work out.  Bad/good part is I need smaller pants but I purged them all before the move because I gave up fitting back into them. 

Enter Stich Fix! 

I started using them in November because I just don't have time to shop so they do it for me!  My next fix comes Monday and I can't wait to see what they send.

My New Year's goal is to not be a stranger to my lonely blog.  :)

I'll be back!

I'm sorry, I miss you - 30 Days Of Blogging

It's been too long...

To be fair, I have 4 kids...

They consume my whole life but this blog is about that and I am determined to update it regularly so back to the 30 days of blogging challenge!

#30daysofblogging

Because who doesn't like a good hastag??

OK seriously,  here are some updates if you haven't been keeping up with Facebook.

*Ryan will be 6 months old this Friday!
*He does NOT sleep through the night
*We are still dealing with reflux
*He is crawling!
*Evan turned 3
*Darien got a promotion and we are moving!
*Yes, we are moving!!
*I like food
*My niece turned 1! (I just love her :))
*We are putting down new floors in our house
*We officially have rented out our house and the new tenants move in November 15th
*I love wine
*We are moving to Asheville, NC
*We have yet to find a house there yet
*I need a bigger wine glass
*I really don't drink as much as I say I would like to
*Are you tired of the bullet points yet?
*I have packed approximately 4 boxes
*I am very very tired

Ok that's enough, caught up now?

We are very excited about the move but also kinda sad.  Most of my family lives in our current town and it will be sad to leave them but this is also a grand adventure for our family of 6 and who doesn't love the mountains!  I am so excited about camping and hiking!!  This makes me a great mom of boys.  The boys and I are not officially moving until school gets out for Christmas so in the time between when we have to be out of the house and the time the boys get out of school we will be taking over my moms house which I know she is just thrilled about. :) 

I am ready for December mostly because all of the changes are very stressful and I will be thrilled to be settled and our family back together.  This is Dariens last week of work at his current position which I am sure is bittersweet for him.  Next week starts more serious packing and I need to get my butt in gear.

For now I will take it one day at a time.  :) 

If you want to keep up with our journey, follow me on Facebook.  Four Boys One Queen